Non targeted js related to multiple ppl
“ I think it's about time that I warned you I might cry in front of you
And I don't want you to feel like I'm afraid of the truth
I didn't want you to feel like it was all your fault
But that doesn't mean that I wanted you to feel nothing at all
What do you want me to say when I can't tell you the truth
Please tell me how the fuck I'm supposed to deal with losing you “

“ Are you really gonna save the world this way
Crying like a kid every single day
Hell yeah motherfucker I'm afraid it's true
People are in pain what's wrong with you so
Hop off my dick your Nixon smile makes me fuckin' sick
YOU SHOULD BE JUST AS WRECKED AS I AM
I'm pretty fuckin' angry that you're not. “

oh how i love penelope scott oh my god

I wrote all of this out and finally noticed and then dw lagged and deleted all of it. Retyping this!! STILL WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF but its on topic i guess FUCK I WANNA PUNCH A HOLE IN THE WALL I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF
Anyways.

A few nights ago I took a bath at two in the morning. It was late and I felt gross so I decided to shower, but with the darkness and cold a bath just seemed more relaxing. I tilted my head back to wet my hair and hear this whispering. This loud. Deafeningly loud, whispering. I knew and know that it was just the sound of the water rushing in my ears and the pipes in the walls but it sounded like voices. I tried desperately to listen to what they were saying but it was too loud for me to hear anything. Eventually it stopped. And I felt something in my head shift to a really dark place. I started fantasizing about killing myself. How easy it would be. I was so exhausted I would fall asleep the moment I closed my eyes, and the water was so warm. It would be so easy to just push my head down a little bit further and close my eyes and take a nap. A really long nap. And then I started thinking of the logistics of it. Of what would really happen. I usually stay in bed for most of the day, even if I’m awake. So my family wouldn’t think anything of me being in bed until about noon. At this point they’d tell me to get up. But they’d just peak their head in the door, not go in. And therefore wouldn’t notice I’m missing. Around one thirty they’ll get annoyed and go to talk to me. Thats when they’d notice I’m not there. They’ll look around for me, worried, until someone finally notices the bathroom door is locked. They’ll knock and yell for me. And then they’ll get really concerned when I don’t reply. My mom will get too scared to go near the door while my dad and brother somehow find a way in. And then it goes blurry. I can think of many scenarios leading up to this point of what would happen. But after they find me, I don’t know. I cant think of any possibilities that feel realistic. Nothing about me dying really feels that realistic. I don’t know.
What I do know. Most of my friends don’t hear from me most days. I’m a very sociable person, in person, but I don’t often text people unless I have something specific to declare, which isn’t often. The only person I really talk to is Dead Man. And he would just assume I’m sleeping in late. I typically have a main person. Someone who I talk to at all hours of the day obsessively. But since the last one ruined me, I haven’t been able yo get a new one. Despite persistent attempts. Nobody would know. I came to the conclusion, while laying there listening to the deafening whispers, that if I was to die right there, nobody would know for at least twelve hours. And that was before I realized that it was two in the morning. Most people tend to stop hearing from me after Dead Man goes to sleep, which is usually around ten. Which means I could probably go about sixteen hours with nobody knowing. It’s an almost depressing thought to think about that. My life matters so little, that if I were to die, nobody would know for over half a day.
I would essentially be a ghost. At least thats the closest word to it as I can think of. I would be dead. But as far as anybody would know I’d be fine. I’d be alive to absolutely everybody but myself. I’d be alive. And I’d be dead. Nobody would know.
Nobody would notice.
Nobody would care.

I kept meaning to post this. I kept thinking about it in my head for the last few days and just haven’t found the energy to write it down.

I took a bath the other night, at two in the morning. It was late and I wasn’t tired and I felt gross so I decided it would be a good idea to shower, but with how dark it was a bath seemed more reasonable and more relaxing to me. I was in the bath and I laid my head back to wet my hair, and I could hear all around me… I knew it was just the sound of the water in my ears and the pipes behind the wall but it sounded like whispering. Loud. Ear shatteringly loud whispering. I tried desperately to make out what they were saying to me, I couldn’t hear any words though. It was too loud to be understood. Everything got kind of…off, after that. And I could feel my brain slipping into dark areas. I started to fantasize about killing myself. I was so tired I would fall asleep the second I shut my eyes and it was so dark and smelt nice. It would have been so easy to just push my head down a little further, and take a nap. Permanently. But I started to think of the logistics of it. I don’t usually get up early. Even if I’m awake I lay in bed the entire day, only getting up to use the bathroom or if my parents are making me. So they wouldn’t find anything weird about me sleeping in. Around ten am, my parents would get upset at me for not getting up yet, and would try talking to me. They’d open my door and tell me to get up, but wouldn’t go in. Therefore wouldn’t notice I’m not there. Around maybe noon is when they’d find it weird and go and do the same thing, but assume I’m still just sleeping and let me be. Around 1 thirty ish is when they’d go in, and finally notice I’m not there. They’ll start looking for me until eventually someone notices the bathroom door is locked and they’d yell for me. When I don’t respond is when they’ll get scared. My mom will be too scared to go near, just kind of yelling at everyone, while my dad and brother likely somehow get into the bathroom. And they’ll see me. Just kind of…floating. Thats where I can’t tell what would happen next. Up to there I can plan it out a bunch of different possibilities, but after I’m found I can’t think of anything. I don’t know what would happen.
What I do know. Most of my friends don’t hear from me much. I’m a rather sociable person in person but it’s rare that I text someone unless I have something defined to say, which isn’t often. This also includes responding to people. The only person I really commonly talk to is Dead Man. And if I went that long without responding he would just assume I’m still asleep. A reasonable assumption considering my mental state lately. Most of the time I have a main person who I speak to obsessively all hours of the day, but after the last one ruined me I haven’t been able to get a new one, so currently I have nobody like that. And my family would not discover me until around two.
At that moment, as I lay in the bath listening to the deafening whispers all around me, I came to the conclusion that if I were to die in that moment, nobody would know for at least twelve hours.
I would be a ghost. Even if ghosts aren’t really real thats the best word to describe what state I would be in at that time. I’d be dead. Happily non-existent. But to everyone else in the world, I’m alive and well, just resting. Not a single soul would know. For twelve hours.
It’s a certain kind of almost painful to know you mean that little. Especially after I took into account that that would be if I died at two. But I stop generally interacting with people after Dead Man goes to sleep, around ten each night. Meaning it could just as possibly be sixteen hours.
Nobody would know.
Who would care.