not_real

I had alot of complex dreams last night. generally, everything was okay. Fuck that. I guess my brain just wants a break from the pain or something. I hate it. Waking up and realising that everything isn't okay sucks. I still barely believe it. I would rather not have those dreams, I would rather live in the pain 24/7 then have artificial joy.


-Dead Man
1320

my mom used to be alot bigger than she is now and while shes no longer morbidly obese she is still morbidly a bitch. Shes on ozempic which isn't helping and when I meantioned how so many people are using that as a weight loose drug that diabetics (what ozempic is fucking for.) can't get the medication they need, she uh said "maybe they shouldn't be so fat then" and laughed....


-Dead Man
1957

so ____ is basically begging me to get help. I'm... trying. I'm scared to, I think I'll get better... right? someone please tell me there's hope

so anyways, there are these two girls I hung out with as a kid. Our parents were friends so they would force us to hang out- yknow how it is. I never rlly connected with them, there was an age gap of a few years plus our personlities were quite different. Yet I liked playing with them. I never understood why as a kid but now I realize- they were the only kids I hung out with that didn't do anything sexual to me. like I only hung out with a few people as a kid (autism core) but for some reason they always did smth weird sexually.... I was a hot kid ig


-Dead Man
2303

the first time I viewed one of my classmates in a negative way is when my mother called my friend stupid. I didn't see her as stupid before that, I saw her as good at art, I didn't care how good at maths she was.
The first time I looked at myself in a negative way was when my mother assured me that when I hit puberty I won't be fat anymore, that was also the day I learned my body was something to fear.


-Dead Man
2022

My old step dad used to beat my mom. every night I would hear it. I would go to bed imagining all the ways I would kill him, I never did. My step dad knew that I knew. I was one of the only people who knew what he is. He sent me away to a boarding school a few states away. He won.
I couldn't come back home until years later. I often thing about what happened that I don't know about. What happened when I was sleeping, out of the house, everything that happened when I wasn't even allowed to come home.
I hate myself. More than I hate him. More than I should hate anyone. I could've done something. I'm a bad son.

I have a new step dad, I mostly have no opinion on him. If I had my way, I would never have a new step dad. I know that's stupid, my mom is brave for trying again and it would be stupid to just avoid dating men. maybe, idk, half baked thought.
I'm scared. ofc I am. I would like to imagine that if he does anything wrong I'll go into his room at 2 in the morning with a shot gun, maybe I'm to much of a pussy ass bitch. Maybe.

I like metaphors a bit to much...


-Dead Man
1619

My um... shut in problem thing is getting worse. I went outside today, crazy derealization, crazy... uh.. words hard

anyways, I have new stretch marks which means I'm planning suicide. I was asked to seek medical care about this problem that I'm having but nothing will work. we know this. I'll try though. I'll try and fail to get hope. I have to try, right?

back to the shut in part. I have to get over this. I have to go to Ians house and Evans school event and the library and be a real person. I don't know how but uh yeah

God I am in so much pain. I am tired.


-DEAD Man
0011

my dad always knows when my eating issues are getting bad. He knows when I binge and he doesn't make me feel bad about it. He knew when I was anorexic and tried hard to feed me + he told me in his own weird way that he was worried about me.
He is still an old fashioned 50 year old. If I use terms like "eating disorder" or "binge eating" he freaks out, going all "you young people with your terms" or whatever.
So it's weird
like he knows I'm sick. He wouldn't really suggest therapy or even do research like "what to do when my teenager seems to have disordered eating?"


-Dead Man
0219

I see my father, smoking and drinking to cope. my brother does the same. my mother just the former and my other brother just the latter.
I get sick when I see alcohol. I see people raping eachother. driving and killing kids. "joking" about how a party with no alcohol is no fun. I see myself begging people not to drink as they yell at me.
I hate how normalized it is.

That being said my energy drink addiction is an interesting one. Ian tells me how dangerous it is and how much my energy drink addiction is like alcoholism. my brothers only told me hes concerned about me once or so and everyone else either doesn't realise how bad it is or has an addiction themselves so they can't exactly bitch about mine/ they don't care.
(I'm drinking rn)


-Dead Man
2258

boy woke up three different times today. that sucked.
god I am so fucking tired
insane nightmares that I don't remember but fuck were they traumatic
ready to do the same thing all over again!


-Dead Man
1819

The only people who find me attractive are lying or severely mentally ill
straight up like I've dated people who like my personality so much that they can cope with my looks. It's fine though, I've low-key dated guys and it's kinda been like "yeah I'm in love with you, sure I can cope with the fact that your male" yknow?
at least it means I have a good personality...?
I was talking to a friend of mine who I genuinely don't think is ugly but most do and they know that. they were talking about how they know that anyone who is friends with them is friends with them for their personality and not their looks + they don't really mind how they look and are happy in life
channeling my inner that friend (it's not working)


-Dead Man
2253