not_real

I went to Evans school event!! Dead Man is proud of himself for going - not only leaving the estate but leaving the city!! it helped that I’ve been here before and ik someone here but I still got that like stomach ache nausea thing and uhhhh almost pussyed out… I DIDNT THOUGH!!!!!
my paranoia was… worse than I thought. I kept hearing someone next to me then I looked and there was no one, I kept feeling eyes on me, anytime someone walked near me I got worried, and uh yeah. I kept telling myself like “stop being self absorbed, no one’s targeting you” but uhh logic wasn’t working
It was a very informal event so there was alot of time in between things, I kept busy by looking around at all the scenery and texting my hoes (Ian isn’t a ho. I’m sorry Ian. do you still love me?)
Seeing him was pog, I never get to see him. He was smiling and laughing and he's super animated which like is so fucking cool. Like I forget he's not in a fucking computer like he has a body

going out can suck though, my glasses are... painful. I hate existing

-Dead Man
0038

important context- my good brother is disabled and uses forearm crutches.

So uh I went to a store with my good brother and my father. The entire time I felt like everyone was staring at me, I thought my paranoia was getting worse and uhhhh wasn't doing great. I then noticed that everything was staring at HIM and I was just next to HIM. It was... interesting, like YAY I'M NOT CRAZY!!! but like people were staring at him. He's a person. They know that right? It's important to me that they know that. It's worse that it's not just kids. like yeah no kids shouldn't stare. but ADULTS???? YOUR A GROWN AS PERSON STARING AT A KID (TEEN) JS LIVING HIS GOD DAMN FUCKING LIFE
I wanted to take one of his crutches and hit them with it.

I want a colouring book with like glasses. Like the people wear glasses. Idk what to do with the eyes in these damn books.

-Dead Man
1849

I've been taking way to many pain meds for so long I forgot what pain is. I've had a headache all day and it's only getting worse.

Anyways, talking about Ian, I miss her. Everytime I see a photo of her or even think of her, I just think of how much better than me she looks. she's so fucking pretty I'm going to kill myself. does she see it to? how we look side by side? I wish I looked like her
Whatever. I don't fucking care. No one cares.

Today we were talking about me dying (business as usual) and she said that she'll have to bring glasses to my funeral incase it's an open casket and I wasn't wearing any. That was pretty cool

-Dead Man
1901

so fun fact about me is I got one of my eyes surgically removed so like now I have this socket. Every morning I pour liquid eyeliner in the pit and like most of it comes out but the pit is still coated so I wear these glasses to cover it up.
I LOVE EYELINER
This is totally not a joke.

-Dead Man
0159

It was shock, it must have been. she was backing away from shock. not disgust. not fear. shock. no one feels disgust when they see me, right? that part of me isn't gross. isn't revolting. right? tell me i'm right. please.
Whatever.
It was a bad idea to show her that part of me. Bad idea to show anyone that part of me.
Disgusting.
Revolting.
Gross.
Crawling with maggots.
Dead.
Not dead.
Never alive.

-Dead Man
1900

What do I do when I blind person steps on my foot thinking it's just a rock or something? get all angry? expect them to magiclly know it's my foot? try to explain to them that stepping on my foot isn't okay even though they didn't realize that they even stepped on my foot? expect them not to step on my foot?

Their gonna step on my foot again, I'll get upset again, I won't do anything again. then that'll happen again and again. with them and with every other blind person in the world. I don't hate blind people. like yeah I get mad at them for stepping on my foot (then get upset at myself for getting upset at them for stepping on my foot).

I hate it when blind people step on my foot but it's a fact of life. I will spend my whole life with my foot being stepped on over and over again. Blind people won't learn. They can't learn.

-Dead Man
1151

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Entries tagged with glasses

#118- Dead Man went out

#95- disabled brother

#88- ouch

#75- eye pit

#65- no title

#6- Shit metaphor

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August 2025

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