not_real

my mom used to be alot bigger than she is now and while shes no longer morbidly obese she is still morbidly a bitch. Shes on ozempic which isn't helping and when I meantioned how so many people are using that as a weight loose drug that diabetics (what ozempic is fucking for.) can't get the medication they need, she uh said "maybe they shouldn't be so fat then" and laughed....


-Dead Man
1957

so ____ is basically begging me to get help. I'm... trying. I'm scared to, I think I'll get better... right? someone please tell me there's hope

so anyways, there are these two girls I hung out with as a kid. Our parents were friends so they would force us to hang out- yknow how it is. I never rlly connected with them, there was an age gap of a few years plus our personlities were quite different. Yet I liked playing with them. I never understood why as a kid but now I realize- they were the only kids I hung out with that didn't do anything sexual to me. like I only hung out with a few people as a kid (autism core) but for some reason they always did smth weird sexually.... I was a hot kid ig


-Dead Man
2303

the first time I viewed one of my classmates in a negative way is when my mother called my friend stupid. I didn't see her as stupid before that, I saw her as good at art, I didn't care how good at maths she was.
The first time I looked at myself in a negative way was when my mother assured me that when I hit puberty I won't be fat anymore, that was also the day I learned my body was something to fear.


-Dead Man
2022

My old step dad used to beat my mom. every night I would hear it. I would go to bed imagining all the ways I would kill him, I never did. My step dad knew that I knew. I was one of the only people who knew what he is. He sent me away to a boarding school a few states away. He won.
I couldn't come back home until years later. I often thing about what happened that I don't know about. What happened when I was sleeping, out of the house, everything that happened when I wasn't even allowed to come home.
I hate myself. More than I hate him. More than I should hate anyone. I could've done something. I'm a bad son.

I have a new step dad, I mostly have no opinion on him. If I had my way, I would never have a new step dad. I know that's stupid, my mom is brave for trying again and it would be stupid to just avoid dating men. maybe, idk, half baked thought.
I'm scared. ofc I am. I would like to imagine that if he does anything wrong I'll go into his room at 2 in the morning with a shot gun, maybe I'm to much of a pussy ass bitch. Maybe.

I like metaphors a bit to much...


-Dead Man
1619

boy had another nightmare last night. alot happened. uh I'd say the worst part was when I got on a scale.
fun.
on that, boy hungy

anyways, I get paid today! yippie!
I mean like I might get paid today
I was supposed to get paid days ago

Dead Man... who are you...?

disorganized ahh post


-Dead Man
1341

Rejection stings. I keep setting myself up for it. I know he won't choose me. he won't. he won't. he doesn't care.


-Dead Man
1446

it doesn't hit like it used to. it doesn't taste good, it doesn't feel good. theres no satisfaction, theres just pain. god it used to feel so good. it's not coping anymore its just fighting for how good it used to feel
bingeing- try it! its a good way to cope! /j


-Dead Man
2222

I want my mom.
Not my real mom.
I want all the women that I've called mom throughout my life
I miss my friend who I've grown apart from, the one I used to call "Ma" and she would call me "little baby [real name]" since shes a few years older than me. I miss her.
I miss that one person who I secretary call mom and cry everytime she doesn't hit me for it
I miss all of those friends I "jokingly" call mom
I miss all of those grown women who would treat me as their own child when I was younger
I miss... idk, I've never had a real mom
greatful to every women who treats me like her son without the beating me part, thats cool of them


-Dead Man
2346

had another ___ raping me nightmare
It was... violent
I woke up... not feeling great
I thought it was real at first, it felt so real
obviously ik that he wouldn't do that intentionally
but I still feel like shit
god I'm tired.
I'm so tired of being scared, tired of not sleeping.


-Dead Man
1353

When she was over I let her try on this adorable dinosaur hoodie of mine and she loved it so I was like "you want it?"
Yeah so its hers now
she looks SO cute in it
she always looks better in my clothes than I do, I should give her all my clothes

UGH I MISS HER

yesterday I had my head in her lap and she called me pretty or handsome or smth, I told her to not pity me and she said smth like "you might not feel the same but that doesn't give you the right to say I'm lying"
also, another time, she was upset at me about smth but then went "your still good, I still love you"

Marry me Ian. Now.
Non optional.
I miss her. I wanna see her.

I'm supposed to go round her house... uh. She wants my too meet her mom... more... her mom wants me to meet her mom. I'm nervous. ugh. her mom's voice is similar to that of a women I once knew, a not great women I once knew. I hope thats not a problem. Whatever, I'm mostly nervous cause meeting parents SUCKS. I'm gonna mess up every chance I get, she'll be mad at me, her parents won't like me, she'll come over even less than she already does. Ugh. I'm being paranoid


-Dead Man
1529