not_real

Boyfriends mad at me
Can’t say why, but it is my fault and I’ve taken full responsibility for it but that doesn’t really make it better.
He said he thinks he’s losing feelings for me. He said he doesn’t want to, but can’t control it. I don’t get that. That doesn’t feel equal. I know I fucked up but this seems like an extreme reaction but whatever. He’s entitled to how he feels. I just hope I can fix it, somehow, with time.
Schools stressing me out so much. I have so much to do and I keep telling myself “I’m gonna work on it tonight!” and then I don’t because I fall asleep. I’ve been so tired. Two of the three days this week I’ve begged my dad to let me stay home because I feel too exhausted to move. Everything hurts, all the time.
Lolys being weird. She wasn’t here monday. And I messaged her and got no response. And then she was at school tuesday, so I ran up when I saw her super excited and she was so docile as if she didn’t want me there and just said she must’ve not seen my messages. And then didn’t hang out with our group or her other group at the breaks. Then she went to my choir concert and she was there and that meant the world to me but again was really quiet and reserved talking to me. Same things happened today, but now she’s responding to messages. Only thing I’ve heard from her is asking about if she moved schools and saying she almost went to the hospital with no other context. I am so worried about her but she’s being clear she wants to be alone even if she hasn’t explicitly said it so I’m trying to respect that. it’s hard though. I need her. I need someone.
I’ve pretty much given up hope that that one bro thought about me anymore, but then same day I did that i swear we made eye contact. Then he was listening to the artist I introduced him to and not just a song but multiple in a row which means he mustve been listening TO that artist but that also could just mean nothing. Ian still thinks these things are related, but tog thinks I’m just crazy.
Either way I miss him and I started feeling bad posting about it so I stopped
I started feeling bad talking to people about it in general so I stopped
I don’t feel well enough right now to worry about annoying anyone though.
I go through mine and his old messages when sad. At one point he was like showering me with compliments and I pinned it and he asked why and I said “cuz i can look back at it when im sad“ so im doing that !!
I did it while at mr boyfriends house a few days ago and he didn’t say anything so I assumed he didn’t notice
but the I did it again when he was at my house about a week later and he went “you still go through his messages when sad?”
i fuckin hate it
it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong
I’m not.
I miss connection. I have no favorite person, my boyfriend is constantly switching between yelling at me and saying he’s considering breaking up with me to telling me how much he loves me and asking if he’s good enough, my best friend is barely talking to anyone, I’m too stressed to talk to my parents because i know it’ll loop back to school and thats terrifying, and my sister and her boyfriend only really talk to one another. I could talk to my sister but we don’t really have conversations, just one of us ranting about whatever we’re obsessed with at the time which is great and I love it, but isn’t what I mean right now
I feel so fucking alone and empty
and I have nobody to talk to about it
and I’m too tired to try and pull myself out of it.

I want out.
I’d probably leave if it wasn’t so close to christmas.
I miss everyone.
No matter who or where you are, I miss you. All of you.

/confess confession: my discord just lagged and i thought you blocked me and genuinely wanted to @$!! %#€3€¥ and then realized you didn’t just to remember i can’t talk to you anyway

Boyfriend came over today!! He’d never been to my house before nor met my family, did both today!
It actually went really well. He was really scared they wouldn’t like him and honestly I was really scared he wouldn’t like them. Both went really well! We hung out downstairs with Dirt for awhile and then when they left we went up to my room and made out (gehheh)
I’m so happy
Now that my moms met him it’ll be a lot easier for me to hang out with him more often which makes me SO excited
he’s so good
I’m so happy.

Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be. Don’t worry about me, I’m healthier than I want to be.

At some point or another I came to the conclusion that I can never be pretty, or talented, or smart
So I found the prettiest, most talented, smartest person I know
and since I can’t be them, I spend my life worshipping them
and I want to kill anyone who stands in the way of them getting every single thing they want

I hate thinking about how cruel you once were.
And how much of a dog it made me.
It was abuse. I can’t deny it anymore. I cant tell myself “he was just playing” anymore. Constant.
Hitting, kicking, insulting, harassing, bullying and I sat there loyally and defended you all the time.
I would hit back, lightly, playfully. I knew what would happen if I ever hit you back as hard as you hit me. I tried once. You hit me. So bad I thought I was going to vomit square in the stomach, I coughed and gagged, and I hit you back in the shoulder. And got hit yelled at and chased and hair pulled and punched.
And it was all a game.
Every time.
Not once were we “aggressive” with one another just playful hits. Playful hits that I begged you to stop. And that made me feel faint and need to sit.

He used to do this thing where he’d come up behind me and wrap his arm around my waist. And then he would sit his head on the crook of my neck and shoulder while using his free hand to move my hair out of the way and the would kiss my neck. I didn’t like it. On a certain level I did! I liked him and I loved the attention and the affection and the physical touch, but he only did it when I was talking to another person, right infront of them. And they’d always look grossed out and look at me like I was weird. I felt weird. He knew what he was doing because he would laugh about it later.

I’ve only ever told I think one person about why I REALLY stopped talking to him. I was at my wits end with how he had been treating me. So horribly. So aggressively and mean just constantly telling me I was ugly and stupid and mean and cruel and useless and my problems didn’t matter. I was done. But I was a dog and I couldn’t just walk away no matter how he treated me. And then one day when I was already fed up, he made a joke. A really not funny joke. So bad that everyone around us perked up and told him to take it back and apologize and it wasn’t funny and blah blah blah. And that joke is what made me go from “should I cut him off” to “HOW should I cut him off”… The funny thing is the joke had nothing to do with me. It was about Loly. And he had never said anything mean about her before that. Technically even that was probably a compliment in his mind but it was awful. Something in my brain flips with her. I tell everyone I talk to that she is my god, and I tell them all that I absolutely adore her. And that she’s everything to me and I would do anything for her. And I really mean it.

I spoke to him today. We still talk occasionally! He came back! Him coming back was the closure I needed though. I feel so much better now. I no longer message him. I just respond. I think I’ll always respond though. Because even if I was treated so badly, I was still so horribly and intensely infatuated with him. Most people don’t know that. I didn’t really tell people. My partners knew, and one of my friends knew. I didn’t tell anyone else though. I didn’t want to date him. But I loved that boy so much I want to vomit. So to little twelve and thirteen year old me’s brain, he was giving me attention. And he was touching me. And he was kissing me. And he was holding my hand and putting his arm around me. And he did it all to hurt me, and it hurt, but he still did it.

All press is good press.
You can love me or hate me, but when you ignore me is when it really hurts.
If you ever want to hurt me, block me. Ghost me. Nothing hurts more than that. You can message me death threats and insults every day and all I’ll see is that you message me every day.

I’ve expressed that to everyone. “The worst thing you can do is block me” “communication is key” “just talk even if you yell just talk”
At one point Loly didn’t feel well and blocked pretty much everyone. Including me. And she told me afterwards that partway through she remembered how much I hated being blocked and she felt so bad that she was scared to reach out again. So I stayed blocked longer than others. I’m not upset about it at all, its Loly. I can’t be upset. But my point is it is well known.
If you ever have a problem with me, ever. About anything. Please just talk about it. Even if it doesn’t get resolved and you hate me forever, just leave our dm’s open.
I cannot describe how much I hate silence. If you ghost me, or block me, comeback. I’ll feel better. And then I’ll rightfully leave you. I just need the open dm and I’ll feel better, the longing will go away and the anger will take over.
I fucking hate you.

Anyways back to the evil one!

It took me almost a year to tell this story for the first time. I told it to a friend of mine, who responded with “is that SA?” and then later to my boyfriend who said “thats SA”, and later to my closest friends who said “Thats SA” I’m still not sure!
I still dont think it is!
But I think about it. Often. And it isn’t some painful memory like SA would be, just like “hey that shouldn’t have happened” but I don’t blame him.
BUT NOW IM GONNA IMMORTALIZE IT FOR ALL OF YOU !! FOR VALIDATION!!
For this story I’m gonna call the evil one Onyx because thats his tag. Thats not where “Onyx” comes from though. So I won’t use if to refer to him again(probably) it’ll just be easier than typing the evil guy every time.

So me and Onyx had a strange relationship. We were strictly platonic. But we did and acted romantically to one another? a LOT. And we often sent one another like sexual or romantic tiktoks back and forth as if we were together, for some reason. One time Onyx sent me one about guys sliding their hands up a girls thigh. Whatever. But it was extreme in 13 year old me’s head so I said “you wouldn’t dare do that to me” or something like that, this was years ago I don’t really remember. Anyways, Onyx said “wanna bet?” or smth and we bet twenty dollars that he wouldn’t do it by the end of lunch the next day. The next day towards the end of lunch but not at the end, I mentioned to one of our mutual friends that he hadn’t done it and I was gonna win. Didn’t think much of it. But they told Onyx. For some reason. And so Onyx turned to get to me. So I was running from him and being chased all fun and games, silly silly fun fun, but then I got genuinely freaked out. And I said “I’ll give you the money anyway but please don’t.” I’m very asexual and the idea of it was icky to me I didn’t want it. But Onyx and his friends chased me, until they got me to a bench, and all three of his friends who were all but one stronger than me pinned me down, while he slid his hand up my thigh. And then it was over.
Now even this I don’t think is as bad as everyone believes. Like I basically dared him to with the bet it was my fault. But I didn’t want it to happen. And I do think about it. I don’t blame him though. Especially since….thats what I remember.
Every time I think about this my brain floods. What if I remember it wrong. What if I never offered him the money anyway. What if I was laughing. What if I liked it. I don’t know if my memory is accurate. What if I didn’t say no. Or what if I said it in my head of I thought it and I thought it was real. He can’t be blamed for that. And it’s not like I can ask. Because it was noteworthy for me! But it was just another day to everyone else.

And the worst part of it all? I STILL MISS THAT VERSION OF HIM. I would go back if I could. I still love that boy. He just isn’t him anymore.
Now everyone I know hates him! Except that one guy. That one dude says he “doesn’t know” how he feels about him. But whatever
I remember at a choir concert once awhile ago I was telling my friends everything he did, and even the one who was still super close to him was agreeing and like “yeah I remember that!” “yeah he treats you horribly” Bro was so bad his cousin was telling me he was abusive to me. “Yeah he’s great but he’s horrible to you.” and then that one person
I wont specify who because they’re still in my life and I appreciate them and I love them and I don’t want them to feel bad nor do I want anyone upset with them for this
but it was a hard feeling when I just finished telling people about how someone I saw as my best friend was hitting me and bullying me constantly and then my favorite person in the world spoke up to say “Well he’s always been nice to me so I’m not gonna stop talking to him”

I genuinely don’t care much for him anymore, he just messaged me today and it got me thinking of him
sorry for the ramble

i got hungry so i went downstairs to get some food, had to use the bathroom so i went and did that, looked myself in the mirror, and grabbed a glass of water
and tomorrow I’ll do the same thing, and then call my mom crazy for being concerned