not_real

¨Basically, you can't answer other peoples questions so you question yourself in order to keep your mind intact are you hoping someone will start paying attention to you if you act troubled enough? But don't you realize you're alone? That no one actually cares about your suffering¨ -Crona Gorgon [Soul Eater] (AUGHHHH GOD I LUV THEM) ¨The truth is I wish i´ve been born as your child Hachi¨ ¨WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING... its porn obviously¨ ¨EEEEEEEE I TOLD YOU MY TUMMY HURTS!!!¨ ¨But Hachi´s nice to me without wanting anything in return¨ -Shin Okazaki (you could put me in a room and I could go all day abt how we´re the same person for days) ¨I want to disappear¨ ¨I'm crumbling with my one secret I'm breaking down, I'm sorry...Its as if I am made to end the curse of being born¨ ¨Hey, could we stay this way just like this?... If we could've stayed connected, just like this¨ -Mizuki Akiyama Holy angst ik but I just realized I haven't mentioned any of them on here which is CRAZY bc I got a Crona pfp and phone theme, Mizuki wallpaper on my pc and pulled for every card she ever had, MULTIPLE shin pfps and tried to originally make him my username on here but it was taken... tragic ik but im just killing time waiting for my clothes to finish washing so byeee.

Soo I was on my way to band camp it was from 9-4. I had to take myself like I do to most things so I took my electric scooter as usual. Whilst driving on the bike lane since it was about the time people have to rush to their nine to five you can imagine how fast the cars were going beside me and in front of me was loads of broken glass some in a powdery form and others in larger shards as well as a tweaker extremely close to the glass. As many would do in this situation I decided going on the sidewalk to go around the glass and cars so I can get to where I needed to be would be more desirable. So I went up the curb ramp (while writing this I had to look up the word for it). Ive gone over it a plethora of times in my life, there shouldn't have been a problem but there was my scooter it couldn't manage to get over it for whatever reason and sent my flying 25 mpr near glass and cars onto the side walk and now all the skin where my elbow bends is gone and a hole was made in the very expensive lady gaga jacket I had just bought. However it wasn't just my elbow that got hit it was the entire right side of my body except my head so that's all lightly scratched up too but not even near as bad. Throughout band camp I had to move my arms at first my right arm wouldn't move but as the day went on it did. Although while that seems like it isn't that bad if now I'm able to move it, band camp requires repetitive movement one of them being moving your arms up and down which kept reopening the wound spilling more blood into my already blood soaked and sticky jacket every time the blood hardened and stoped flowing I moved my arm and the cycle repeated. Only now at 5:02 did I put peroxide on it and it felt as if the needles I occasionally stab myself with's pain had been amplified it burned a lot, I thought we stopped burning witches what the heck. At least now that close friends know I got hurt I won't have to cover up the sh I gave myself yesterday they'll just blend in although it's on the side of my body that didn't get hit. I'm kinda stupid tho I kept pulling down the clothing that's covering it but that might make it obvious so I needa stop that. On a completely different note at band camp though I was experiencing a great amount of derealization I was surrounded by a bunch of people and I genuinely believe these people care about me, one even gave me a snack and two gifts. I actually had people I could talk to that didn't run away the second they found someone more interesting. So at times throughout the day I found myself thinking what future seasons of marching with them could be like how many more laughs, shows, solos, football games, conversations could be like but I know none of those things can continue if I'm deceased so I dunno it made me want to continue living. Ik I told myself I needed to shut up but it feels kinda good writing these even though it's scary that three people ik probably read these but it's kinda cool knowing that if I forget everything that happened today I can look at this and rember at least a little bit. (UPDATE I USED ALCOHOL NOT PEROXIDE)

I've always had one rule when it came to sh on myself it can't be in a viable area and I've made sure to keep that rule but uh dumbass here didn't realize what they were doing and is going to have to cover it up for band camp... GOD I HATE BAND CAMP :(

Um but anyways ig both sides of my family are currently on weight loss medication and they've all dropped tons of weight. Is it wrong to envy them for that? Anywaysss they've been making comments on my body all week which is fair I'm not skinny anymore or even tall but I'm already on a water diet and working out I don't know what more I can do there's not really much to vomit either. But is it not kinda weird their grown ups talking about my ass, boobs, and stomach... Am I crazy is this not at least a little weird their grown and I'm just a minor.

I wanna ask them if we're actually friends or if they just feel like they HAVE to be friends with me again but I don't wanna annoy them. Because if we're not I can have no guilt for what I'll do in September and in switching electives. Tbh it doesn't even matter either way they have people that would die for them if they killed themselves, a partner, both parents, so many friends js everything really. I don't have anything like that Loly only ever talks to them and them only and still doesn't know if they care especially with Loly rembering people telling her...him ? (Idek what I wanna go by anymore) stuff about our friendship and my grandparents not being as fond of them anymore. God I'm so lonely. I miss when I actually had sm that loved me I'll always regret messing that up even if with this person it's different in the way it's platonic but regardless I don't wanna drive the only person I have away again and have them resent me for it.